It’s time I officially come out on my blog.
Awesome header credit: kdkorz10211 @deviantart
I’m sure I’ve mentioned it in a few posts here and there my sexuality, but if you don’t keep up with all of them or my Twitter, you may not know, just as the title says, I’m bisexual.
I’m not someone who thinks anyone should have to come out but unfortunately, we live in a world that just assumes. And I don’t want anyone to just assume I’m straight. I don’t want anyone to assume I’ll end up with a guy or that my “bisexuality meter” as I like to call it, is a 50/50 thing. It’s not.
*This post isn’t going to get too heavy but I do want to point out some possible trigger warnings for coming out, homophobia, and even school in general because it is a big reason for why I didn’t figure things out sooner.*
Carson, Make My Dad Over
I mentioned numerous times I grew up in a very open-minded household (and am super grateful for that.) I was 9 when Queer Eye for the Straight Guy came out and watched it religiously, hoping Carson Kressley would come to my house and make my dad wear more color.
He does but I still want Carson to make him over.
I also watched other shows with prominent queer contestants/judges like Project Runway and even America’s Next Top Model. I was raised to not care about anyone’s sexuality/religion/race/lifestyle. I didn’t go to church and no surprise, I’m not religious today, so I didn’t have anyone else’s thoughts telling me what’s wrong.
That being said, it wasn’t until I got older that I realized not everyone thought the same way.
A Small, Conservative Town
It’s where I grew up and unfortunately, where I still live. I want to point out my thoughts never changed, but I had a harder time expressing myself in general as I got older. I went through some shitty years trying to fit in/get the approval of my classmates and have a boyfriend. It’s all I cared about.
I like to call the ages of 13-15 the “regrettable years.”
But it was at 16 when I first thought I might be bisexual. My grandma just died, I was realizing what a piece of shit I was and thought it was a phase or just something weird going on. This wasn’t the first time I felt an attraction towards the same sex, but the first time I put a label on it.
By the way, it’s definitely not a phase and I hate hearing that it doesn’t exist.
However, there was no way I would come out or talk to anyone about it.
There were a few girls at school who were out and even though I never witnessed any bullying to their faces (although I’m sure it happened) they were basically shunned. People called them disgusting, mentally disabled, and my favorite, “I don’t care but I don’t want to see it.”
Even though my circle of friends dwindled by the time I was a senior and we all shared the same thoughts and opinions, the last thing I wanted to do was tell anyone, even my family, who I know would’ve supported me. I just wanted to get through the remainder of high school avoiding any drama, which also meant keeping my mouth shut in sociology class when the homophobic comments came out.
I already wrote about my time in college and you may think that would be the best time to figure things out, but I was going through too much shit at the time to worry about it. I wasn’t concerned about dating or meeting anyone at all.
It took me a few years. I was figuring myself out, what I wanted to with my life, what I believed in, and by then, I just accepted it.
Where I Am Now
I’m pretty much the same. It’s still not something I want everyone to know, only close family and friends do. Hell, some family members may read this and learn for the first time. If that’s the case, hi! Luckily, everyone I have come out to has supported me 100%.
However, I still work in a conservative town. I never faced homophobia directly but it still scares a part of me.
Over the years my “bisexuality meter” has changed. When I thought it leaned more towards males, it’s actually teetered the opposite way as I got older, but it could teeter back at some point. I don’t think it needs to be set in stone.
So, there’s not much else to talk about. I would like to be more open, not just about my sexuality, but my views in general. I never get political on my blog. I made it to talk about all things fiction with a little bit of my lifestyle thrown in there, but there are times I could bring things up especially in light of recent events.
Sometimes I want to punch my past-self for not speaking up in class, but at the same time, I know that Meagan would’ve never voiced her beliefs. She was still telling people she was Christian and went to church.
But to get it out, officially, does feel better.
Nothing’s really going to change from this point. I already post plenty of reviews/posts about LGBTQ+ books and characters, but the rest of the month will be Pride focused in some sort of way.
Here are some of my other Pride-related posts:
I hope everyone has a happy and safe Pride month.